Tomorrow is my oldest child’s first day at school, and I am officially FREAKING OUT.
Like, I just had this baby,
about two minutes almost five years ago, and now they want me to hand it over to someone else for most of the week?!?!
Seriously though, some of you may remember that I freaked out big time when we first started looking into the whole “schools” thing, about 18 months ago, but then life moved on, and he got older, and honestly by the time we got his official offer of a school place through, in April I felt totally differently about it, and I even wrote a “way chilled about school” blog post. I was relaxed, happy, a tiny bit excited, you know…all the positive emotions. So I figured I was done with the doubt and terror, you know? That I was all good about it.
Well I’m not. Not even a little bit.
It’s not that I don’t think he’s ready, because I’m pretty sure he is. Or that I think he’ll have problems settling in, because I’m kind of hoping he won’t, and it’s definitely not anxiety about the school itself because we love it and I’m so happy he got a place there.
It’s just such a HUGE FUCKING DEAL FOR US ALL.
He and his brother play together pretty much all day every day. Regardless of where we are, they are best buds. Yeah, they fight all the time, but they’re SO close, and when I think of the fact that one of them is now going to be out of the house for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week it kind of breaks my heart right down the middle. Also, on a practical level, we are NOT a 9-5 Monday-Friday type family, and never have been. Both of us are used to shift work, and that means nights and weekends, which means we’re a. used to being able to do shit during the week when most places are less busy, and b. that there will be lots of weeks where we won’t all have a day off together as a family. Which completely sucks balls. Also, I have to actually GO THERE, and be on time and I am waaayyy out of practice at that, and also a little nervous as I’ve never done “get up and get dressed and leave the house for a set time every single morning” since having CIDP, so that could be…uh…interesting?!
And lastly, from a psychological point of view, I guess I just don’t feel qualified/ready/old enough/mature enough to be a parent of a school-aged child. Which is nothing new because I rarely if ever feel qualified/ready/old enough/mature enough for ANYTHING. But, in my mind I am still school-aged, so how does that even work?!
Oh god, I thought writing this all down and getting it off my chest would help, but it totally isn’t AT ALL.
Please just let him be ok.
Like, if he doesn’t cry, and makes a little friend on his first day then I think I might, just might be able to keep my own shit together…