As mentioned previously, I recently started swimming again, partly in an attempt to lose some of the 2 stone I’ve gained since being ill, but mostly just because it’s a thing I used to do that I enjoy, and I missed it.
It’s all going really well- I’ve built up from being able to do 17 lengths to 30 (and last week I managed 40 as a one off! Not that I’m showing off, you understand.) I’ve been going at least once a week, often more, and it’s all good…there’s just one teensy tiny (extremely irritating) problem…the other pool users.
I was going to say “fellow swimmers” but that wouldn’t be an accurate description…at all.
So here’s a list of the ten different kinds of people you are likely to come across at my local baths.
1. Splashy Mc Splashersome
Usually wearing speedos, goggles and a swim hat, Splashy McSplashersome takes his/her swimming very seriously indeed. To watch them furiously attacking the water with their dramatic take on front crawl, you’d be forgiven for thinking that you’d accidentally found yourself in the middle of the Olympic Finals, rather than, say your 100-year old local pool on an average Wednesday evening.
Splashy McSplashersome has no spatial awareness. So in an otherwise empty pool will always choose to swim right beside you. If you feel something brush against your leg try not to freak the fuck out. It is, after all, unlikely to be a sea creature…it’s probably just one of Splashy McSplasherome’s limbs as they propel past you, oblivious to the fact that PERSONAL BUBBLES STILL APPLY UNDERWATER FUCKWIT! In fact, even more so since you’re pretty much naked. *shudder*
2. Stinky Person
If it’s not an over-abundance of aftershave making you feel like you’re swimming in a vat of old spice, then it’s cigarettes. How many fags does a person have to be smoking a day in order to actually cause chlorinated water to take on the smell of cigarettes the second they get in? I don’t know. I’m going to guess *a lot*
3. Other People’s Kids
Let’s face it: all children can at times be irritating self-centred assholes. Putting them in a body of water without parental supervision, unsurprisingly does not help.
If you’re sat there shaking your head in disbelief thinking “Not my children” then chances are, yes your children. The only reason you can’t see it is because EVOLUTION. It’d be no good if we all went round drowning our young, would it? Other people’s young though…well now, I can make no promises…
4. Some 90 Year Old Man or Woman Who Can Swim A Lot Better Than You
There’s always one. And they’re always overtaking you.
5. Show-Off Guy
Diving in, swimming ridiculously fast drowning everyone in his wake, doing pull-ups on the side of the pool…I’m never sure who show-off guy is trying to impress…the lifeguards? (What, are you five?!) Other swimmers? Me? Because the only way you could impress me if we’re sharing a pool is to stay the fuck out of my way.
6. Grunting Guy
Sometimes interchangeable with show-off guy. Here’s a man who needs everyone to know just how hard he’s working. It’s not enough that he’s swum ten laps in ten minutes, he has to spend at least twice that hanging out in the deep end, splashing his face with water and making grunting noises to demonstrate his exertion. Most off-putting.
7. The Non-Swimmer
Leaning on the side, wearing full make-up, including freshly applied lipstick and eyeliner, discussing the sordid details of their love life with a friend who just happened to be passing through on their way into the gym, these folk never actually get round to doing any swimming. Some people just like to chill out in the water I guess? Although, if that’s the case why the fuck they don’t just stay home and take a bath, I have no idea.
8. The In and Outers
They’re swimming. They’re getting out. They’re in the shower. They disappear into the sauna for a bit. They’re diving back in. They’re swimming. They’re climbing out again…rinse and repeat (literally) x about five. What the hell?! I don’t get it at all.
9. The Unaware-Of-Public-Shower-Etiquette-Guy
Pulling their shorts away from their body to give their privates a good rinse? Check.
Lathering up their inner thighs? Check.
Catching water in their mouth and spitting it out? Check.
I don’t know why some of them don’t just bring their loofahs, toothbrushes and razors and be done with it.
10. Some Grumpy Bitch Scowling at Everyone who Gets in Her Way Whilst Doing Breaststroke for An Hour
(*Sigh* What I wouldn’t give…)