My life in numbers

Lately I can’t help but feel that my life is like a series of GCSE Maths problems.
Consider this a test paper:

Q1. Rebecca has 26 weight-watchers points at the start of the day.

For breakfast she eats cereal with semi skimmed milk (6 points), for a mid morning snack she eats a banana (o points) for lunch she eats 2 slices of pizza (8 bastard points! Can you believe it?!) then, because 2 slices of pizza does not a lunch make, she gets hungry and in the afternoon she has a packet of snack-a-jacks (2 points) and, AND a chocolate digestive biscuit (2 points). For dinner she makes delicious chicken fajitas for her family and thinks “I’ll be fucked if I’m putting in all this effort and not eating some myself” so she has three (16 points) washed down by a nice cold beer (oh my god, 5 points right there). Later, she’s pretty stuffed but there’s always room for gin, and so whilst watching an incredibly emotional episode of Angel she has one single glass with tonic and lime (2 points because SLIMLINE TONIC- genius!)

How many points does Rebecca have left at the end of her day?

TIP: The answer will be a minus number!

Please show your working, and for extra marks, explain HOW THE FUCK SOMEONE CAN LIVE OFF 26 POINTS?!

Q2. Toby is taller than Rudy but not as tall as Mummy who is about four inches shorter than Daddy. Rudy is smaller than Toby but louder than EVERYBODY. Who makes the most noise in this family?

TIP: The loudest person is usually the one who wakes up first

Please show your working, and for extra marks, explain WHAT IS WITH ALL THE SHRIEKING? AND WHO TAUGHT THIS CHILD TO SAY “NO”?!

Q3. If a 3 year and 7 month old and a 20 month old are left alone in a room together, how long does it take before there is screaming?

Please choose from the following options:

a. Long enough for the responsible adult to take a pee and return to the room
b. 0.07 seconds
c.Just long enough for the responsible adult to get her pants down and sit on the toilet

TIP: This answer may vary day-to-day!

Q4. There are 7 days in one week. Chris works 3 days and has to attend university on one day. Rebecca works 2 nights but cannot work any nights when Chris is working during the day because no one has yet invented TELEPORTING so he will not be back in time for her to leave. In addition to this, Chris works 2 part time jobs, averaging an additional 16 hours per week and is revising for an exam. How often will Chris and Rebecca see each other in an average week?

TIP: The answer is likely to be in minutes rather than hours or days.

Please show your working and EXPLAIN TO ME AGAIN WHY SHIFT WORK IS GOOD?!

Q5. There are 12 months in a year and an average of 700,000 babies born in the UK per year. Showing your working, please explain why ALL THE BIRTHDAYS are in July? Making reference to what exactly is so dull about October?

For extra marks make suggestions on how to finances all the presents and fit in all the celebrations.

Q6. If a toddler usually naps for between one and three hours each afternoon, how long will s/he sleep for if his/her Mum sits down to write a blog post?

Please choose from the following options:

a. Between one and three hours
b.Three and a half hours without stirring once
c. Half an hour so she has to write the remainder of it with him on her knee bashing the keyboard with his big brother’s old battered safari car

For extra marks, can you tell me WHY?!

THIS CONCLUDES THE GCSE MATHS PAPER THAT IS REBECCA’S LIFE
 
YOU MAY NOT LEAVE THE EXAMINATION ROOM WHILST THE TEST IS IN PROGRESS.
 
OR, IN FACT EVER.
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