I’m a little late to the party this week, writing my Theme Thursday post on a Friday evening, but it’s been a funny sort of week, in which I have had about half my required quota of sleep, so you’ll have to forgive me.
This week’s theme is Do-Overs, which to me, here in the UK means to beat someone up, but I don’t think that’s what Jenn had in mind! The post is actually supposed to be about something you’d like another turn at.
When I wrote a letter to my sixteen year old self for Theme Thursday I was adamant that even though life has had it’s ups and downs for me, as it does for everybody, I would happily do it all again if i could guarantee the same outcome because I don’t like the idea that one tiny change could have catastrophic implications in terms of an individual’s path through life. Actually, that’s not true, I do like the idea, it’s exciting because it means that your road isn’t mapped out for you, and all the choices and steps you make lead you down your own path. So I do like that notion, but it does make time travel, all be it the hypothetical variety, tricky.
I realised when it came to this week’s topic though, that there IS something I’d like the chance to do again: both of my sons’ first few weeks of life.
It’s not so much that I did things then I’d do majorly differently now if I could go back and change things, it’s more that I’d like to go back there and experience it all again but with the wisdom I have now, knowing that those marathon feeding sessions wouldn’t last forever (even if it felt like it at the time!) knowing that those 0-3 clothes that swamped his tiny frame would soon look like doll’s clothes in comparison to him, knowing that there aren’t actually any right or wrong answers, and that it’s ok to let go of pre-conceived ideas and forge a new way without it being a sign of failure.
It’s not really a case of being “broody”. I don’t really do broody, I think the closest I’ve been to broody was during my actual pregnancies when I had that yearning of wanting to have my baby to hold already and that impatience to meet them. Other people’s babies are grand, don’t get me wrong, and I’m always happy to have a squish and a cuddle, and clearly, working in neonates, you’ve got to have at least a bit of a fondness for newborns otherwise you’d never survive the job but I don’t think I’ve ever been traditionally broody (holding someone else’s baby and thinking “I WANT ONE!” is the image that springs to my mind when I think of the word. That, or a hen clucking. Either way)
I don’t just want to relive those days because of the endorphins and the endless squishy cuddles and that new baby smell, I’d like to relive them so I could give myself a break. I’m someone who has high expectations of others and even more so of myself, so when I found aspects of parenting hard, instead of thinking that was pretty much normal and to be expected I instead attributed it to personal failure or weakness on my part and I spent a lot of time when both boys were tiny mentally beating myself up- about my inability to cope with lack of sleep, about giving my eldest son a dummy, about the ever-increasing mountainous terrain of laundry that was our home and about leaving either of them to cry for even the tiniest amount of time (which particularly made juggling the demands of a 23 month old and newborn especially fun!) Pretty much about anything and everything that wasn’t quite how I thought it *should* be.
If I had that time over I’d keep everything pretty much the same but throw away my mental list of “SHOULDS” and just go with the flow, and inhale as much of that sweet milky new-person smell as I physically could…alright, I may have ambled slightly into broody territory now…Ahem. So yes, a few weeks of 2009 and a few weeks of 2011 is my answer. To see what answers other bloggers gave click the button below! Happy Thursday Friday everyone!