I have read and heard the words “touched out” a fair few times in reference to that “Gah!” kind of feeling us Mamas get when we’ve had little ones clambering all over us all day and just wanted to be left.the.fuck.alone.for.a.minute.
What i am feeling right now i think might go beyond the realms of “touched out”, it’s closer to “mauled to death” i reckon.
My days start with hair being yanked from my head, my eyes being poked, chubby little fingers pulling my lips open and poking my teeth, or my face being scratched (Rudy) sometimes someone is actually climbing across me, or standing on my face (either Toby or Rudy) In the past week i have twice been awoken by a baby biting down so hard on my nipple that i’ve only just managed to reign in my “fight or flight” response enough not to throw him off the bed and across the room.
Then generally the day continues thus. Clambering, pulling, biting, scratching, pawing…Rudy has the beginnings of seperation anxiety. Even when i am busy doing something- say clearing away the breakfast dishes, he will be crawling around after me, shrieking, grabbing my ankles and biting the tops of my feet and trying to latch on to my toes. Like some yappy little terrier. Toby is wanting a lot of cuddles. He will randomly declare “my want you!” and clamber on to your lap, which would be sweet if he kept still for a minute. But he shuffles and wriggles and grabs your ears to steady himself and pokes his bony butt/knees/elbows in wherever he can to get purchase and he weighs 15kg! It’s not like he’s as light as a feather!
By bedtime, when they’re both wanting to snuggle down and be fed/cuddled to sleep by a contented gentle mama singing lullabies i am just spent. I have absolutely nothing left to give either of them physically, mentally or emotionally.
Last night they both took forever to settle down for bed. Toby because of an impromptu lengthly afternoon nap and Rudy just because. Because he’s an 8 month old baby who likes to fight sleep. Because he can.
I settled Rudy and then i tried to settle Toby. We had three stories and he had some milk. He wasn’t being naughty, he was just laying in bed awake, tossing and turning, looking around his room. I suggested gently that he close his eyes, i cuddled him, to no avail. After a bit i grew weary. I mean, really really weary. I sat up and Toby said “Don’t go Mummy”. I said “I’m sorry Toby, i need to go have a shower” and he said (as he does quite often at the minute) “WHY?!” so i said “I need to have a shower so i can get my pyjamas on and go to bed myself. I’m very tired” and do you know what he said? “Alright” and he rolled over and closed his eyes. I left to shower, and he went to sleep by himself. Now if only i can convince Rudy to do the same…